Morning Letter

by tobias crabtree

(This is a letter to my dear friend, Laura, who is way smarter than me but who likes me anyway…which is cool. I should point out that this is the unedited version, complete with some naughty words. So, if you don’t like reading naughty words, maybe skip today’s post.)

It’s nice to see you’re putting your emojis to work. I too have recently started to use them, but I get stuck picking out which one to use and then the email/text takes twice as long. It’s like me picking out which food i want to commit to in the grocery store — sometimes I realize I’m the dude I used to hate, the one standing there reading what cave in France the cheese was aged in and whether there was a monk living in the cage practicing silence and listening to the sounds of his hair growing. (I’ve often wondered about being alone for long periods of time like the old school tibetan monks…wonder is as far as I get. I just wouldn’t be able to wait to tell everyone how long I went without talking and about all the fucking amazing shit I learned while being so quiet for so long, and by long, I mean like 10 minutes or so.) I think emojis are such an indicator of where we are as a society. Now, instead of saying how you feel, you can just send someone a tiny cartoon shit. Or a face with sunglasses. Or clapping hands and an A-ok sign. “Hi Ma! with smiley face and face with tongue out, How you doin? More smiley faces and one inquisitive face.” Hey, it says a lot, don’t it? Foster and Johnny and I trade off on doing what I just did. We write out the emojis instead of using them –crazy face — because we’re crazy! google-eyed face and three thumbs up with some stars.


I hope you’re doing well, for reals. I’m a failure for not stopping in…ever. I guess I’m just making up for all the times I did stop in without warning and then stayed for 3 weeks. I’m trying to make your heart grow fonder by being absent. You’d be so proud of me to know that I’ve been geeking out over microbiology lately. I’m really into the fact that there are thousands of different kinds of bacteria in one drop of snot on the end of my nose. I’ve taken my grief over the disappearing wilderness on the planet and turned it into focus at the microscopic wildernesses in a single drop of sea water. It doesn’t completely satiate my burning desire to be sad at something, but it helps keep me from practicing my hang-man knots in the shed. (inappropriate joke, I know, I know) I’m also really into reading about viruses, they’re amazing! They’re like little pets that take care of themselves. No having to hire someone to watch them and feed them when you leave for vacation — they’re coming with! Sometimes they show off a little when you don’t want them to, but whatev’s, that’s just part of the deal. I like the idea that I’m walking around like Noah’s ark, all the little critters just romping around all over me! And when I die, well, they run the show for a bit. It’ll be like a huge house party when the parents go out of town. Broken windows. Broken beds. Backyard flooded. Lights burned out. Cabinets emptied. Microscopic life is a party. I wish I had flagella to motor around with, as it stands I gotta use knees and ankles that get sore and crack a lot.


Well, that’s all I have for ya today. I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything worth reading and, after this, it’s still that way. I can’t seem to write anything lately about anything that’s deep and lovely, so I’ve decided to be shallow and stupid. (did you know that “stupid” used to be used as a word that measured how intelligent a person was? along with idiot, moron, imbecile and others…each had it’s level and, although I’m not sure the order, I personally have been called each and every one of them at some point in my life. In fact those words have been coupled with colorful 4 letter adjectives to enhance my personal moral during difficult moments. Thanks Marine Corps!)


Love ya, Laura.


Your prodigal step-son,