a computer guide from the mind of a caveman

by tobias crabtree


  • A.) the pretty picture area. also, a good place to have smudges and paw prints. (not a good place for stickers)
  • B.) secret hole where the computer sees out. a window for the cops to see if you look sketchy or not. i keep mine covered because i look sketchy.
  • C.) the little thingy on the back of the computer that tells everyone whether you’re a hipster or not. also a good place for stickers.
  • D.) the thing that comes with your computer that gives it energy. also a port into the matrix. (you gotta take this if you go on a trip, the computer will stop working without it…believe me, i know)
  • E.) a little box that does stuff in between the fat wire and the skinny wire.
  • F.) an old fashioned way to record things. stuff the little shiny round disk in the slot and the computer will tell you what to do. also, sometimes it’ll will have pictures or a movie on it!
  • G.) this is a mouse pad. there aren’t mice in there. it’s crazy, you touch it and move the arrow around on the screen. (runs on magic, mostly)
  • H.) start and stop button. if things are happening that you don’t understand, try pushing this button a bunch of times.
  • I.) buttons that have your ABC’s on them. use them for writing words.
  • J.) buttons that have numbers and symbols. some of the symbols are for making smiley faces but some do things that make changes happen to your computer…i never touch some of them…ever.
  • K.) the place where a little thing hooks up to your computer for matrix travel and to give it power.
  • L.) there are these things called USB ports. sometimes you can plug stuff into them and things will happen. sometimes, if nothing happens, try flipping the thing over and plugging it in again.
  • M.) this is a newer kind of recording device. it holds all kinds of stuff. plug it in and ask a friend what to do next.
  • N.) this doesn’t come with a computer but always seem to be somewhere close. if you spill it onto the key board, it will make your computer into a thing that is only good for putting stickers on. you won’t need to bring item D. with you anymore and you won’t see any more pretty pictures on your screen. i have a “required distance” for my drink.
  • O.) little holes that are weird shaped.
  • P.) this is a little computer that knows the bigger computer. it’s like a baby computer! it has music and pretty pictures and less buttons to push.
  • NOTE: everything else that is inside your computer is magic or runs on stuff from outer space. sometimes, i just hack into my computer (and by “hacking into” i mean turning it on) and look around for magical things to happen. i’m pretty sure that the more time you spend on your computer, the more lost you’ll get…so be careful. (don’t believe me? just look what happened to keanu reeves, duh.)